Nostalgia Week: Superman, Man of Steel #37

I was 10 years old when the Zero Hour miniseries and its bajillion tie-ins were published in 1994, and come to think of it I don't even remember knowing what Zero Hour was when I picked up Superman, Man of Steel #37. I think it should be pretty obvious why I thought this issue would rock: Batman(s)!

Really, it was probably the inclusion of the Animated Series version of Batman on the cover that made this comic so desirable to me. Sadly, TAS-Bats does not actually appear inside. That was my first encounter with a deceptive comic book cover.

The story, which I remember being frustratingly inaccessible and confusing to by young mind, takes place after something has reduced much of Metropolis to ruins. Since I hardly ever read Superman, I have no idea what this could have been. We'll assume it was a giant robo-gorilla. Anyway, some guy with a pony tail is putting on a benefit concert. He talks to Lois and Clark about it, all while being a total dick to Clark, who also has a pony tail. Clark is about to beat the guy up before Lois defuses the situation. Disappointing really, since I would love to see Superman engage in a pony tail pulling match. As they are walking away, Clark gets all emo about not being able to save Metropolis from destruction (although the entire city has probably been destroyed and rebuilt a dozen times since Superman showed up) when he sees some flashes of light that are in Morse code. Clark changes to Superman and flies up to meet Batman on a roof.

What Superman doesn't know is that this is not the normal post-Crisis Batman. It is in fact the Batman of the late-60's and early 70's, a.k.a "Neil Adams Batman." It's hard to tell right away since Adams was the shit and was years ahead of his time, so it very well could be plain ol' Batman. Of course, the reader can tell something is up once Batman gets to talking about how there is a "time anomaly" in Gotham with people from other time periods popping up. Louise Simonson does a great job imitating the dialogue of various writers, just as artist Jon Bogdanove succeeds in accurately replicating the style of other artists. Superman, on the other hand, doesn't catch on until Batman asks him what happened to his hair and if he was "going hippie." Superman replies, "WTF! Didn't you like break your back?" Adams-Bat tells Superman he has clearly been smoking pot.*

And I wish this issue was titled "Crisis on Infinite Batmans!"

Across town, the pony-tailed douchebag concert promoter is attacked by a huge group of visored thugs who look vaguely familiar. Who comes to his rescue but Batman! Make that The Goddamn Batman!


Now, as a twenty-three year old geek who has had the time to read many of the classic Batman stories, it was cool to see Frank Miller's Batman jump into action and beat on some Mutants. But when I was ten I had no clue who Frank Miller was, let alone have had the chance to read The Dark Knight Returns. So, instead of "Oh cool," I'm sure my reaction at the time was "Why is Batman fat?"

What follows is a cool page that looks just like it was ripped from Dark Knight Returns.

Once all that awesomeness is out of the way, the Batmen meet each other and complete each other's sentences. Adams-Bat is a nerd and The Goddamn Batman acts like a dick. They are totally in character.

It seems that the Mutants are really digging the destroyed Metropolis and aren't too keen on the concert raising money to rebuild the city. Because of this, Superman and the Batmen decide to hang out at the concert to protect the innocent people there, which happens to be half of Metropolis. They seem oddly nonchalant about the fact that there are two of the same person standing around, but I guess they've seen enough crazy shit in their lives that it's hard to get worked up over something like a time anomaly. As they are standing around they get a visit from yet another Batman, who we will call The Bat-Man.

The Bat-Man begins to give his obligatory lines on what is going on in Gotham, but instead of saying "time anomaly" he says "time mistake," which made me laugh for all its 1930's pulp diction. Adams-Bat tells The Bat-Man that he's an idiot and that we're using the term "time anomaly" during this adventure. Adams-Bat morphs into Kelly Jones' Batman mid-sentence.


Now that we have three Batmen together, it's time for the obligatory group-perch shot.


I love how The Batman looks like he is about to make a sweet spot on the carpet, just like he did in Detective Comics #27. And The Goddamn Batman and Comically Long Cape Batman are perfect representations of their original forms.

Okay, so the Mutants attack the concert and shoot the singer on stage through the throat. But it's all right because she's some kind of vampire. Superman and the Batmen beat up the Mutants, including their massive tank. In the end very few people in the crowd even knew they were under attack. Now that is what I call heavy metal! It was so loud that the people didn't even notice the tank exploding behind them. After the concert Superman takes the Batmen to some professor's laboratory where they deduct that they are from alternate timelines, not universe. I'm not sure how it is that the Bat-Man and the Goddamn Batman can be from the same world but different timelines when they look completely different. It's like that episode of the Simpsons when Homer came to the real world and was a 3D model of himself. Clearly he's from a different universe and not a world where people evolved to look like cartoons. But whatever, this is hypertime so it doesn't have to make sense.

The Batmen switch into other versions a few times before finally fading away. It's kind of funny when the Goddamn Batman morphs into the cartoony Gay But As In Happy Batman of the 1960s. After they are all gone Superman gets a signal and flies off to meet real Batman. Or specifically the "New Look" Means No Blue Panties Batman.

And why bother asking "What's up," Superman? Clearly he's here because there is a fucking time anomaly!

Now that I have some understanding of Zero Hour, it was fun to re-read this issue, especially since I get all the other references to DC history. I like comics like this, which are more about the DC's real world legacy than the in-comic continuity. The other Zero Hour tie-ins were cool too. We'll have to talk about those some other time.

Up next on Nostalgia Week: "Psylocke makes me feel funny. Down there."

*Okay, not really, but it would be much cooled than the actual dialogue.