Robert Downey Jr. = Iron Man

According to Newsarama, Robert Downey Jr. has been cast as Tony Stark in the upcoming Iron Man movie.

Instead of pointing out and making a joke about how both the character and the actor share histories of alcohol abuse*, I'll just say that I think Downey is a pretty good pick. I like him as an actor and I think he can pull off the cocky, self-righteous douchebaggery of the comic character.**

Yay for Robbie D!!!

MovieBob wrote the blog post I wish I had written on this. Read it and tell me how right I am.

*Oh, looks like I just did.
**Have I mentioned that Civil War is he first comic I've read that actually stars Iron Man?

X-Men Sucked in the 1960s

When I learned that it is possible to read every X-Men comic ever made*, I had a bright idea. I was going to read each comic starting from the very beginning. It was going to be epic, it was going to be awesome, it was going to be the nerdiest thing I could possibly do. And then I read Uncanny X-Men #1.

And that shit was bad.

And I don't mean "bad" as in "it's from the Silver Age so it has to be cool." I mean those comics are some of the worst crap I have ever read. Ever. I ended up reading half of the first issue before skimming the rest of it. I then skimmed though the next twenty issues before jumping ship and skipping directly to John Byrne's X-Men: The Hidden Years, which was just barely readable.

And so I present to you, just in case you are even considering reading these monstrosities, six reasons the X-Men sucked in the 1960s.

1) If a character appeared in a panel, they get a line. Apparently, these old comics were created in an idiotic process where the writer would plot the story, the artist would then translate that story into panels and then the writer would stick in the dialogue. No doubt this is why Stan Lee was able to tack a word balloon to every character in every panel. See for yourself:

About 80% of the dialogue in these issues is completely useless. But maybe this was really nuanced character development and I was too distracted by Stan Lee's threat to narc on me to Professor X to notice.

2) People talk waaay too much. When it came to the word bubbles, Stan Lee was all about the quantity over quality. Someone needed to get that guy a copy of Elements of Style. Omit needless words, mothafucka!

Lee's characters were such jabberboxes that in one panel in Uncanny X-Men #1, Magneto is almost totally obscured by a word balloon.



3) Overt sexism. Don't give me the "it was a different era" bullcrap. The treatment of Jean was absolutely ridiculous! Take a look at this panel, shortly after she was introduced to the rest of the team.
What a slut.

Later, the guys are seen peeping on Jean as she changes into her uniform. I love how Beast tries to pin the blame on Jean. She was just asking for it. Pervy douchbag.

And what do you think happens when the Juggernaut pwns most of the X-Men. Jean dresses up in a nurse uniform, of course!

Note the excellent use of Reason 1 in this panel.

4) "Natch." The worst slang ever. Stan Lee must have used it like as a basic unit of grammar. It's everywhere in these comics. It means "naturally." It always sounds wrong.


5) Magneto was psychic. The first time I saw Magneto project his astral form, I keep waiting for it to be explained away, because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. But that never happened, and for all I know Magneto still has psychic abilities. Even John Byrne's train wreck The Hidden Years features Magneto's mind powers. Maybe they got wipped away when Magneto was turned into an infant. Yeah, that happened too.



6) These kids were boring! Or maybe they were just obnoxious. I can't really tell. Even in the 20+ issues I skimmed through, they never evolved past their most basic character traits. In one scene when Prof X mentally calls the X-Men together, we are shown what the kids like to do in their free time, and basically learn all there is about their personalities.

Beast is doing homework, so he's a nerd. Jean is doing aerobics, so she's a self-obsessed object of desire. Angel is listening to the radio because he's totally unremarkable in every way. And Iceman is drinking a huge milk shake because he's such a goofball. Off panel, Cyclops is snorting coke off a hooker's ass.

Now what you know why these stories sucked, lets see how many you can spot in this single splash page from Uncanny X-Men #6.

Let's see... Jean makes dinner for all the men, each character gets their own line, Beast is still a nerd and Iceman is covering his pie with snow like a complete idiot. Why would he put snow on a pie??? I haven't eaten snow since I was 8 years old.

But, if there is one thing that the old school X-Men had going for them, it was Cerebro v1.o.

So awesome.

*I would go into details on how this is possible, but I don't want to incur Joe Quesada's wrath.

Quick Reviews

Runaways #20 - After the grim and lackluster "Return of the Pride" storyline, it would appear that the Runaways have gotten their groove back. Of course, the team is not exactly in a good place with Chase hellbent on resurrecting Gerty and Xavin's robophobic antagonizing of Victor, but still, this issue feels like a return to the glory days of the team (and by "glory days," I mean "about six months ago"). The real star of this issue is Molly, and I'm sure all Runaway fans gave a collective "FUCK YEAH" when she laid the beat-down on Dogzilla.

Robin #154 - This issue reminds me of the glory days of the title, those mid-Nineties, Chuck Dixon issues with Robin up against realistic criminals. The art work also reminds me of that era, as it is cartoony, but doesn't go overboard with the big eyes and spiky hair. Overall a good, if not nostalgic, issue. But I hate that Dodge punk. I can't wait for him to get blown up.

X-Men: The First Class #1 - So we have another throw back to the 1960's era X-Men, those yellow and black pajamas and weak-ass powers. I had to read this book because, if there is one era I hate the most in comics, it's the 1960's X-Men. That stuff was awful, so I was happy to hear of something that might add some quality to the original team. Luckily, the quality is there. But, saddly, the continuity is not. Thanks to references to email and X-Boxes, there is no way we can fit these stories into continuity (at least not for another ten years). The art is great and the characterizations are pretty good, especially compared to the wooden and/or obnoxious characters of the 1960s. Plotwise, this is a little too simular to the deus ex machina riddened issues of Stan Lee. So, to wrap it up: Much better than the original 60's stories and better than X-Men: The Hidden Years, but not as strong as my need for quality retroconning.

Civil War: X-Men #3 - Why is it that the Civil War tie-in mini series have less to do with Civil War than the monthly tie-ins do? Four days after reading this, I barely remember what happened. I am only left wondering why the X-Men don't have a major part in Civil War as a whole? If there is one thing the X-Men hate, it'd be registration. Oh well, at least the Wolverine tie-ins are (getting) good (again).

Birds of Prey #98 - I read this out of interest in who it is dressing up as Batgirl Classic and fighting crime in Metropolis. I'm not sure, but I think I should have just let my curiosity go. I'll just say that the Birds confront the "new" Batgirl and she turns out to be someone/something I couldn't have expected. I think Gail Simone laid down some dark vengeance on me.

Pride of Baghdad - A quick review can't do this book justice, but for now all I can say is, "Wow!"

Kinda a Civil War #4 review

So Civil War #4 finally came out. Because of the long wait and OMG-did-that-just-happen plot of the issue, I thought I would give quick review/reflection on it.

OMG SPOILER ALERT!!!1

Captain America calls Iron Man a "Pampered Punk": Hell yeah! I've never been a big Cap fan, but he was just badass in this fight (and the rest of the issue).

Thor kills Goliath: I've always thought that Thor was a douchebag, clone or not. I bet some smelly fanboys (and you know a Thor fanboy has got to smell bad) are pissed off right now but I couldn't care less. As for Goliath, since my experience with the Marvel Universe has really been limited to the X-Books, some Spider-Man and a little Daredevil, I really didn't know much about this guy. In fact, I think Civil War is the first book I've read with him in it, so his death doesn't exactly shock me. I was hoping that Hercules was going to be the one to bite it, but whatev. So far DC's Big Summer 2006 Crossover had a much cooler casualty list.

Sue Richards switching sides: The Fantastic Four is totally shattered now, with the Thing claiming nutrality, (is he leaving the country still?) Mr. Fantastic a leader of the Pro-Registration force and Sue and Johnny Storm crossing over to the rebel side. It's about time those four bums got interesting.

Peter "acting funny": Screw waiting for the climatic showdown between Cap and Iron Man. The fight I want to see is a fed up Spidey telling Iron Man where he can stick his "loyalty." And Spidey can do it while getting rid of that rediculous Iron Spider costume.

Who is Ski-Mask Man?: It's the Punisher. Duh.

WTF END SPOILERS ???2

Overall I thought it was a good read. Other than Goliath's death, nothing really happened, but it did set the stage for maximum awesomeness.

Uncanny X-Men #124: Best cover ever?

Lately I've been reading through X-Men comics from the 1970s. As a whole, it's pretty rough reading, with Chris Claremont's dense and obtuse dialogue and semi-absurd plots, but it's been rewarding all the same. One of my favorite finds is the cover for Uncanny X-Men #124. Behold!

To anyone who claims that the X-Men can be an analogy for Cold War paranoia, with the X-Men representing American communists targeted by the Red Scare, I say BULLCRAP!

Just look at that commie menace! Not only is Colossus wearing red overalls and work hat, but he's got a mess of soviet symbols adorning his chest: A portrait of Lenin, a hammer and sickle and the acronym CCCP (the Russian version of "USSR"). He's a working killing machine!!!

And his new codename is the (Power-Mad) Proletarian!!! It doesn't get much more perfect than that.

Banshee cuts to the chase

From Uncanny X-Men #132: After spending all night worrying about Jean Grey and the sudden influx in her power as the Phoenix, Moria McTaggart is found by Banshee (a.k.a. Sean Cassidy), who knows how to ease her troubles.

Oh Sean, you lovable, horny Irish sterotype!!!